Shawn and I grew up together. Shawn was possibly one of the most insane people I ever knew. His insanity was only topped by the fact that he usually didn’t have a clue about what was going on. Often I wondered if he realized that life was real. He kind of lived like he was just making this stuff up as he went along. You probably know someone like this. Shawn didn’t have too many cares. He was a carefree kind of guy. I take pleasure in explaining in much more detail.
Shawn, his sister, my sister, and I used to skip school at the drop of a hat; sometimes we dropped our own hats. Sherri, his sister, drove us to school. Sherri had two cars to choose as our school chariot. We either rode in a 1972 Chevy Impala, huuuuuuuuge, or a 1970 something Volkswagen Bug, yellow. We would get in the car, get started to school, and the temptation would strike. All of a sudden the discussion would be, “Who has a test?” “Does anyone have anything important going on?” Next thing you know, the car would come to a stop on a side road. We would finish our discussions that usually would end with a unanimous decision to alleviate school as one of our options for the day. We would often go to Shawn’s and Sherri’s house since both of their parents worked. Sometimes we would go to town.
Once we went into town, Jasper. We decided to go to Burger King. This will display one aspect of Shawn’s clueless way. We had eaten at BK. We were about to leave. As Shawn and I approached the door to go outside, I noticed an important detail. I notice that we were about to walk out right in front of the drive through window. I also noticed that sitting at the drive through window was a lady from our church, Charlotte Ford. All of this happened so fast. We were standing just outside the door by now about to walk out in front of Charlotte Ford’s Ford Aerostar Van, a real failure in automotive history by the way. I realized that this might get us caught. She might tell on us. Now, I was pretty quick on my feet. So, I thought we could go back in and wait until she left or I could bullshit my way around it if she asked. I could just make up a story. Well while I was thinking this, Shawn hadn’t even noticed. About the time I reached for Shawn and said, “Shawn, there’s Charlotte Ford,” Shawn had jumped out right in front of her van. If you know anything about the ugly Aerostar Van that Ford made back then, you will remember that the nose of the thing sloped almost all the way to the road. So, there was nothing obstructing Charlotte’s full view of Shawn standing there, now, like a deer caught in headlights. She was about ten feet away from him staring him in the eyes. Here is the good part. Shawn had already stepped out in front of her. When I said, “Shawn, there’s Charlotte,” Shawn must have thought, “I have to hide or pretend like I’m not here.” This is what he did. He heard me describe the situation and while standing in Charlotte’s full view, Shawn slips into stealth mode. He squats down, and starts sneaking around in front of her van. She is watching the entire event unfold. I said, “Shawn, she sees you.” By now, she is thinking, “He must have a good reason to not be in school.” Of course not! She was thinking, “What is this idiot doing and why isn’t he in school?”
Once we had skipped school and it was raining. We didn’t have anything to do. We were tired of macaroni and cheese and watching television. So Shawn said, “We got a new riding lawn mower.” Well, that’s all we needed. We took that bad boy out mudding. It was pretty fast lawn mower. I am quite sure it was never the same since we took it mudding.
At one point, Shawn had taken the lawn mower out by himself in the backyard. I was standing on the back steps of the house. Shawn was headed toward the side of the house that had a road running by the house. He was headed toward the road at a perpendicular angle. I looked up and saw a State Trooper coming. I was just going to let him know so that he didn’t run out into the road. I said, “Shawn there is a State Trooper.” Evidently Shawn thought that one of the jobs of State Troopers was to arrest kids that weren’t in school. I can only imagine what was going through Shawn’s mind, probably a couple of mice running in one of those wheels. However, I do know what his contemplation produced because I saw the fruit of it. Shawn looked up and saw the trooper. He jumped from the lawn mower and dove behind a shrub to hide. Now, I have to say that this would have been a great plan. However, there was one small detail that drew more attention than two teenaged guys skipping school; it was an UNMANNED LAWNMOWER riding toward the road. He just jumped off and let the lawnmower keep going. Brilliant plan!
Later on that day, Shawn and I decided that we would take the lawnmower to the top of the hill and ride it down the steep road with the lawnmower in neutral. It was a good plan in our heads. We get to the top. We count to three, let off the brake, and start our descent. We reached a cruising speed of “pretty damn fast” before we knew it. Then, we both realize that Shawn’s knee is pinned up in the steering wheel. Had we more time we might could have corrected the problem. However, the impending sharp right-turn reached us quicker than we had expected. The next thing I felt was something much like what the Dukes of Hazard would have experienced. We were launched across a creek and a ditch that was a good ten feet deep. When the dust settled, I realized that I had survived the crash. I also noticed a slight problem. I didn’t know where Shawn was. When we left the road, Shawn was sitting by me. When I landed, he was nowhere to be found. I almost thought that he might be pinned under the lawnmower. Then, I heard him. I looked up and Shawn was moaning hanging about ten feet up in the tree. Shawn had been thrown clear of the wreckage.
Shawn and I half thought that if we could drag the lawnmower out of the ditch and rinse it off, maybe no one would know that it had ever been moved from the garage. Yeah, right! We soon realized that our efforts to manually extricate the machine from the ditch were doomed to failure. So, we marched up the hill to the house and told Shawn’s sister. She wasn’t real happy with us. She, my sister, Shawn and I came to a decision. We took the aforementioned ’72 Impala down to ground zero. We backed it up to the ditch, hooked a chain to the frame of the lawnmower and the car, and attempted to pull it out. It was then that the road under the right back tire of the car collapsed now stranding the car. So, we have a lawnmower and the car stuck in the ditch. We now had to add another accomplice to our efforts. We had to ask the neighbor to help us. He brought out his tractor to pull both vehicles from the wreckage. This was the scene: A tractor, pulling a car, pulling a lawnmower out of the ditch. Believe it or not, we didn’t get caught skipping on this day. The smoking gun that got us caught on another occasion was the bowl of macaroni and cheese that someone left in the sink. Can you believe that crap?
Shawn, his sister, my sister, and I used to skip school at the drop of a hat; sometimes we dropped our own hats. Sherri, his sister, drove us to school. Sherri had two cars to choose as our school chariot. We either rode in a 1972 Chevy Impala, huuuuuuuuge, or a 1970 something Volkswagen Bug, yellow. We would get in the car, get started to school, and the temptation would strike. All of a sudden the discussion would be, “Who has a test?” “Does anyone have anything important going on?” Next thing you know, the car would come to a stop on a side road. We would finish our discussions that usually would end with a unanimous decision to alleviate school as one of our options for the day. We would often go to Shawn’s and Sherri’s house since both of their parents worked. Sometimes we would go to town.
Once we went into town, Jasper. We decided to go to Burger King. This will display one aspect of Shawn’s clueless way. We had eaten at BK. We were about to leave. As Shawn and I approached the door to go outside, I noticed an important detail. I notice that we were about to walk out right in front of the drive through window. I also noticed that sitting at the drive through window was a lady from our church, Charlotte Ford. All of this happened so fast. We were standing just outside the door by now about to walk out in front of Charlotte Ford’s Ford Aerostar Van, a real failure in automotive history by the way. I realized that this might get us caught. She might tell on us. Now, I was pretty quick on my feet. So, I thought we could go back in and wait until she left or I could bullshit my way around it if she asked. I could just make up a story. Well while I was thinking this, Shawn hadn’t even noticed. About the time I reached for Shawn and said, “Shawn, there’s Charlotte Ford,” Shawn had jumped out right in front of her van. If you know anything about the ugly Aerostar Van that Ford made back then, you will remember that the nose of the thing sloped almost all the way to the road. So, there was nothing obstructing Charlotte’s full view of Shawn standing there, now, like a deer caught in headlights. She was about ten feet away from him staring him in the eyes. Here is the good part. Shawn had already stepped out in front of her. When I said, “Shawn, there’s Charlotte,” Shawn must have thought, “I have to hide or pretend like I’m not here.” This is what he did. He heard me describe the situation and while standing in Charlotte’s full view, Shawn slips into stealth mode. He squats down, and starts sneaking around in front of her van. She is watching the entire event unfold. I said, “Shawn, she sees you.” By now, she is thinking, “He must have a good reason to not be in school.” Of course not! She was thinking, “What is this idiot doing and why isn’t he in school?”
Once we had skipped school and it was raining. We didn’t have anything to do. We were tired of macaroni and cheese and watching television. So Shawn said, “We got a new riding lawn mower.” Well, that’s all we needed. We took that bad boy out mudding. It was pretty fast lawn mower. I am quite sure it was never the same since we took it mudding.
At one point, Shawn had taken the lawn mower out by himself in the backyard. I was standing on the back steps of the house. Shawn was headed toward the side of the house that had a road running by the house. He was headed toward the road at a perpendicular angle. I looked up and saw a State Trooper coming. I was just going to let him know so that he didn’t run out into the road. I said, “Shawn there is a State Trooper.” Evidently Shawn thought that one of the jobs of State Troopers was to arrest kids that weren’t in school. I can only imagine what was going through Shawn’s mind, probably a couple of mice running in one of those wheels. However, I do know what his contemplation produced because I saw the fruit of it. Shawn looked up and saw the trooper. He jumped from the lawn mower and dove behind a shrub to hide. Now, I have to say that this would have been a great plan. However, there was one small detail that drew more attention than two teenaged guys skipping school; it was an UNMANNED LAWNMOWER riding toward the road. He just jumped off and let the lawnmower keep going. Brilliant plan!
Later on that day, Shawn and I decided that we would take the lawnmower to the top of the hill and ride it down the steep road with the lawnmower in neutral. It was a good plan in our heads. We get to the top. We count to three, let off the brake, and start our descent. We reached a cruising speed of “pretty damn fast” before we knew it. Then, we both realize that Shawn’s knee is pinned up in the steering wheel. Had we more time we might could have corrected the problem. However, the impending sharp right-turn reached us quicker than we had expected. The next thing I felt was something much like what the Dukes of Hazard would have experienced. We were launched across a creek and a ditch that was a good ten feet deep. When the dust settled, I realized that I had survived the crash. I also noticed a slight problem. I didn’t know where Shawn was. When we left the road, Shawn was sitting by me. When I landed, he was nowhere to be found. I almost thought that he might be pinned under the lawnmower. Then, I heard him. I looked up and Shawn was moaning hanging about ten feet up in the tree. Shawn had been thrown clear of the wreckage.
Shawn and I half thought that if we could drag the lawnmower out of the ditch and rinse it off, maybe no one would know that it had ever been moved from the garage. Yeah, right! We soon realized that our efforts to manually extricate the machine from the ditch were doomed to failure. So, we marched up the hill to the house and told Shawn’s sister. She wasn’t real happy with us. She, my sister, Shawn and I came to a decision. We took the aforementioned ’72 Impala down to ground zero. We backed it up to the ditch, hooked a chain to the frame of the lawnmower and the car, and attempted to pull it out. It was then that the road under the right back tire of the car collapsed now stranding the car. So, we have a lawnmower and the car stuck in the ditch. We now had to add another accomplice to our efforts. We had to ask the neighbor to help us. He brought out his tractor to pull both vehicles from the wreckage. This was the scene: A tractor, pulling a car, pulling a lawnmower out of the ditch. Believe it or not, we didn’t get caught skipping on this day. The smoking gun that got us caught on another occasion was the bowl of macaroni and cheese that someone left in the sink. Can you believe that crap?
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